


So a Batman, a Mermaid, and a Bottle of Mayo all Walk into a Bar...Or: OMG I suck at naming things

by amhrancas



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, NewS (Band), V6 (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, old fic is old, scavenger hunt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-13
Updated: 2011-08-13
Packaged: 2018-10-16 06:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10565877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amhrancas/pseuds/amhrancas
Summary: NEWS finally get their shot at a 6-member television program





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the je_justfriends 2011 exchange. This is largely a gross misappropriation of ideas taken from DASH, Korean variety show One Night, Two Days, and Suburban Knights by the crew from TGWTG.com. 
> 
> *note: PA stands for Production Assistant; LARPing is Live Action Role Playing

They had been called into Jimusho headquarters to discuss the preliminaries for a new variety program-- this one a first for Johnny's as it would feature a rotating cast of competing teams, both from the agency. Two groups would be star against each other in whatever challenge the PAs had come up with for that week. Shige, Tegoshi, Koyama, and Massu all eyed each other warily as they read the names of several of their old _Soukon_ staffers among the names for the new show's production crew. If anything- the _Soukon_ crew had garnered both fandom love and member fear for their somewhat sadistic tendencies during its brief run on the air. From what they had been told so far, NEWS was going to be featured in the premier episode alongside senpai group V6.  
  
"Ok, but do we have any more information on the show or what we'll be doing yet?"  
  
"Nope. Nothing other than the initial notice for filming and a start date. We've managed to arrange it so that all 6 of you, and all of V6 have the same block of time available next Thursday morning. Therefore there will be no rescheduling and no divulging of further information. You will be notified of the mission an hour beforehand and told where and when to meet. Once both teams have arrived you'll have two and a half hours to complete the task and return to NTV studios. Whichever team loses has to come back and play again the following week."  
  
"'Loses'? Don't you mean 'wins'?" YamaPi asked in an attempt to clarify. Massu shifted his weight back from one foot to the other as unwelcome memories from the Tokyo Tower viewing platform flashed through his brain.  
  
"No, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they mean. You lose, you have to suffer through the game again, right?" Massu met the level stare of the manager who had been reading them the details, neither of them flinching.  
  
"And fangirls everywhere will rejoice," Shige added as he dropped his head into his hands.  
  
"Correct. As it stands right now each debuted group, provided they don't lose, will be featured a minimum of one time this first season, and we've had interest shown from both SMAP and Shounentai's members to possibly guest if we have a future SP episode."  
  
"Wait- they actually WANT to be included?" Koyama glanced around as he said this, taking in his group mates varying reactions; the _Soukon_ veterans wary and baffled, YamaPi and Ryo still reserved and looking not just a little intrigued.  
  
"Well, it does sound like fun. I could see them wanting in on it. Look how popular VS, DERO and TORE are," YamaPi suggested as a way of justifying the idea to the rest of the group.  
  
"True. Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll tone down the torture since we'll have senpai competing too?" Tegoshi offered, finally opting to weigh in on the optimistic side of the team.  
  
Either way, there was no telling what Thursday was going to bring.  
  
***  
  
Shige rolled over and buried his face further into his pillow, trying desperately to drown out the sound of his cell phone’s ringer. By the third ring he gave up and blindly reached out to grab the phone off the bedside table, knocking over a half-empty glass of water in the process.  
  
“I’m sorry, could you repeat that, sir?” YamaPi froze mid-stretch, his post-run cool-down regime abandoned as the words from the faceless Production Assistant on the other end of the line registered.  
  
“What the hell is ‘LARPing’? And what do you mean ‘adventure-themed’?” Ryo grumbled into his phone as he glowered at the readout on the clock.  
  
“You mean like cosplay?” Massu blinked groggily at the ceiling, willing both it and his half-asleep brain into focus.  
  
“You have GOT to be kidding me. I—what time is it even?” Tegoshi pulled the covers up over his head, trying to convince himself the voice on the other end of the phone was just part of a dream.  
  
“Sir, it’s six o’clock in the morning…” Koyama sighed as he ran both hands through his hair in an attempt to tame the sleep-mussed locks.  
  
“I’m going back to bed.” Shige grumbled as the PA’s voice continued on unimpeded, reading all of the details to him.  
  
***  
  
Morita was the first member to show up at the park the morning of shooting, closely followed by YamaPi. The two of them appraised each other’s costume selections for a moment, before deeming them both acceptable _and_ cool.  
  
“Never took you for an Indiana Jones fan, YamaPi,” Go said in lieu of a proper greeting as he tapped at the whip coiled up an Yamashita’s hip with his own saber. “Looks good on you.”  
  
“Thanks. You too, the pirate get-up, I mean.”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
They both chatted a bit with the production crew while a taxi pulled up alongside them and Zorro, mask and all, alighted form one side, followed by Speed Racer on the other.  
  
“Sakamoto, Nagano, good morning,” YamaPi greeted as they made their way over to them.  
  
“Zorro? Really? Isn’t that cheating a bit?” Go asked his leader, unable to hide the smirk on his face.  
  
“Not at all. Nagano could have come as Ultraman too, if he’d wanted to.”  
  
“Fair enough,” Go conceded, speculatively eyeing Sakamoto’s perfectly wavy coif. “How _did_ you manage to get all that _and_ set your hair in less than an hour though?”  
  
“Trade secret, can’t tell. What the—?” Sakamoto’s cool was shaken for a minute as a large, red-capped mayonnaise bottle walked up and leaned against the side of a bench, drawing on a cigarette in an aggravated manner. YamaPi snorted, choking a bit on his coffee, and burst out laughing, earning a glare from the bottle.  
  
“Ryo-chan?” Go asked, trying his best to keep his voice as level as possible as he eyed the aggravated-looking condiment. “That’s an interesting costume choice you have there.”  
  
“Yeah, well, the shop nearest my place didn’t really have a large selection…” Ryo muttered, suddenly feeling all the more self-conscious about his costume. “And you know, mayonnaise can be exciting and adventurous, right?”  
  
“Uh-huh. They really shouldn’t let you make decisions when you’ve only just woken up, should they?”  
  
Ryo just glared back at Go, his brain still not running of “full-awake” capacity yet, opting to instead grab a can of coffee and get to remedying that while mumbling to himself about how _anyone_ could think of being a pirate. It took real creativity to come up with something like mayonnaise.  
  
“Yeah, you _did_ get the same call as the rest of us, right? About needing to be in costume?” Ken’s voice cut into the group as he and Okada arrived; his overstuffed feet tripping him up and floppy ears drooping down his back as he harped at his group mate about the definition of “cheating.”  
  
“I _am_ in costume. I’m Inoue Kaoru, and I can guarantee you that he sees a lot more action and adventure than the Easter Bunny.” He delivered back, adjusting his SP armband over his suit jacket’s sleeve.  
  
“Cheating!” Ken snapped back.  
  
“You know, Okada, I think Ken may be right on this one,” Sakamoto ventured as he appraised their youngest’s attire “but if production lets it slide then we will, too.”  
  
Just then Inocchi arrived, giant fluffy feet and ears which could only rival Miyake’s outfit. Ken froze mid complaint and stared in wounded disbelief at him.  
  
“What? Why are _you_ the Easter Bunny?!? You _know_ rabbits are _my_ thing!!!  
  
“I am not, I'm the Easter Hamster with long ears,” Inohara cheekily explained as he adjusted his own polka-dotted bow tie, grinning happily at the genius of his idea.  
  
“Change! Change right now!!” Ken demanded, temper flaring up at his costume being ripped off.  
  
Koyama and Shige walked up to Ryo and glanced curiously towards the escalating conflict, one-sided as it were with Inocchi cheerfully rebuffing or ignoring Miyake’s demands. The PAs and NEWS’ managers starting to look a little concerned over the increasing volume from the argument as more and more passers-by pausing to see what was going on.  
  
“Lupin III and Shinsengumi?” Ryo guessed. “Lame.”  
  
“Nothing wrong with playing it safe,” Shige smugly replied while adjusting the waist on his hakama. “Nice bottle, by the way.”  
  
“I hate you,” Ryo flatly replied, trying all the more to disappear into his costume.  
  
“Sir, we seem to have a problem,” Koyama overheard one of V6’s managers say into his phone. “It’s Inohara, sir, he’s shown up as a rabbit as well, and see, Miyake is not taking this very well. In fact, he’s demanding Inohara strip right here and now… yes sir, in the middle of the street. No sir, it doesn’t seem to be causing too much of a disturbance with the public, though a small gathering of obaachans are gathering around and looking very interested.”  
  
True enough, a modest sized crowd of middle-aged and elderly women had started to loiter in the area, their interest sparked by the minor commotion Ken was raising. A couple of them going so far as to pull out their cell phones and start filming as he tried to forcibly unzip the bunny suit of his group mate.  
The manager on the phone continued to explain the situation in vivid detail to the party on the other end, only to be interrupted as a tiny, older woman who Nagano thought looked frighteningly like his own grandmother worked her to the front of the crowd and hooted out “Take it all off, Inocchi!!”  
  
“The obaachans are starting to look rabid, sir.”  
  
Fortunately, the remaining members of NEWS chose that moment to arrive, stunning everyone into silence. The Batman costume was normal enough for the occasion, and didn’t really raise many eyebrows, but the mermaid next to it... _that_ was another story. Long red hair flowed down past an authentic seashell bra, the outfit capped off by a floor-length, fish-tailed, sea-foam green sequined skirt. Go froze mid-drink as he stared in a mixture of both shock and admiration. There was no way he could pull off that look and he was the first to admit it.  
  
“Massu?” Sakamoto asked, looking from him to Tegoshi in the Batman costume and back again. “Was there a mix-up with your outfits?” he asked curiously.  
  
“No, why?” Massu asked back. “I like Ariel, she’s a good swimmer.”  
  
“No reason.”  
  
Ken looked down at his own oversized, fuzzy feet, over at a now freed Inocchi who was happily bouncing about as he explained to YamaPi the legend of the Easter Hamster, and back over at Massu before muttering to himself “Man, I should have been Ariel,” and pouting in defeat.  
  
“Junichi, your manager looks like he's about to cry,” Ryo smirked as he handed over a can of coffee to his friend.  
  
“And your entire group looks like they want to cry, well—everyone but Massu, for some reason.”  
  
“Well, he _is_ rocking that bra/fish-tail combination…”  
  
“Which is more than I can say for you, Mayora-san. I mean really, how does that even come close to being an “adventure” costume?”  
  
“Dammit, MAYONNAISE IS EXCITING!!! And you can just give me back my coffee if you’re going to be like that.”  
  
“Oh? You mean you’re _not_ cosplaying Hijikata from Gintama? Tsk. It would have been so much cooler if you were, Ryo,” Tegoshi chipped in, not helping the situation at all.  
  
The PAs took it upon themselves to start the production at that moment, explaining to everyone the rules for the program. Both teams would have two and a half hours to complete their quest, meaning they have to be back at NTV studios at 9:30 am, no later. You’ll each have a cameraman assigned to your groups, and each team will need to collect: a copy of Monster Hunter 3 belonging to any member of Kanjani8—  
  
“That’s hardly fair you know, Ryo’s in the same group! He’ll have no problems getting a copy form them!” Go cried out while at the same time, Nagano affirmed that “They’d never turn down a request from their senpai, though.”  
  
“You just go right ahead and think both of those.” Ryo ruefully smirked, thinking of his band mates and their near fanatical devotion to their games.”  
  
“Ahem,” The PA cleared his throat, regaining the attention of the group. “A kouhai dressed in drag and a picture of all of your team members from the main viewing deck of Tokyo Tower.”  
  
“So— wait, you mean this is just an overblown scavenger hunt?” Koyama asked when he finished.  
  
“This isn’t LARPing at all.”  
  
“And how exactly do you know what LARPing is, Shige?” Ryo tossed back.  
  
“ _And_ ,” the PA continued, “you have to accomplish all of this without spending any more than the 2000 yen we’re giving you now.”  
  
“2000 yen each?”  
  
“2000 yen _total_.”  
  
“So how the heck are 6 adults supposed to get up Tokyo Tower with only 2000 yen?”  
  
“Our charm and good looks?”  
  
“Ryo-chan’s out of luck then, isn’t he?”  
  
“Don’t make me hurt you Okada.”  
  
“You’ll figure something out, I’m sure,” the PA responded. “You’ll also be handing over your cell phones in exchange for the phone we’ll give you; one phone for each group. There are two numbers programmed into is, these are the only two you can use, one to the other team’s phone, one to us at the production hub. Are there any questions? ”  
  
***  
  
By the time they wrapped up the preliminaries with the production crew and hit the streets it was already past 7:30. As Tokyo Tower didn’t open up to the public until 9 a.m., NEWS opted to focus on the first two parts of their mission first. After some group deliberation they decided that their best bet for kouhai would be the dorms, and set off in their direction as discretely as Batman, Lupin, a mermaid, Indiana Jones, a Shinsengumi member, and a walking bottle of mayonnaise could.  
  
The ominous sight of two overstuffed Easter bunnies— correction, one bunny and one hamster with long ears— standing guard outside the building was enough to tip them off that this would likely be an unsuccessful venture.  
  
“How long do you think they’ll be?” Massu asked, a hint of apprehension in his voice as he glanced at the timer on the phone.  
  
“Probably not quick enough,” YamaPi mused. “Any other ideas?”  
  
“I think I might have one,” Koyama said as he checked the time as well. “And I happen to know where he’s likely to be right now.”  
  
“Is it close by?”  
  
“Yeah, about a ten minute walk from here. We may even catch him along the way there, let’s go.” Koyama started to head East down the street, keeping a steady pace while checking up and down the side streets they passed by.  
  
“So who are we looking for?” Ryo asked as they continued on.  
  
“Kikuoka-kun, or Kunta-kun, too, come to think of it.”  
  
“Veteran are in town?”  
  
“Jeeze, Ryo, you’d think you of all people would know what Kanjuu were up to.” Tegoshi chided.  
  
“Yeah, they’re up for a TakiCHANnel and Shounen Club taping.” Koyama elected to overlook Tegoshi’s ribbing of their Kansai member. “Kikuoka’s mentioned that he likes to run in the mornings at a park near the dorms so we may get lucky and catch him…Ah! And there he is.”  
  
Kikuoka Masahiro rounded the corner up ahead of them as he was jogging back to the dorms, and froze mid-stride as he looked up ahead of him, jaw agape at the site before him. After staring for a couple of seconds he blinked a few times and then started laughing.  
  
“NEWS? What _is_ all this? You know, Sanada called me earlier saying that V6 were just over there trying to con Watanabe into a skirt.”  
  
“Did he say yes?” Tegoshi asked intently.  
  
“No, they had rehearsal to get to. Mind telling me what’s going on?”  
  
“Well, we can’t really say, but I swear, Kikuoka-kun, if you let up kidnap you for the next hour and a half do this for us Ryo’ll try to get you onto Janiben for something,” Koyama bribed desperately.  
  
“What, I what? Why me?”  
  
Kikuoka stood there on the sidewalk for a minute considering his options.  
  
“And we’ll all take you out to eat, wherever you want to go, our treat.” Massu suddenly added.  
  
“Sold!” Kikuoka declared, never one to turn down free food. “Am I right to assume that this is going to end with me in a dress?”  
  
“Yes,” Yamashita said apologetically “but first we need to hunt down some monsters. Ryo, who from Kanjani is in town right now?”  
  
***  
  
“Ryo, what—” As strange as opening up his front door in the earlier hours of the morning to a bottle of mayo was, Maru had to admit he’d seen stranger. Opening it up to _Ryo_ in said costume was a whole other story.  
  
“Don’t ask. Look, can I borrow your MonHan PSP for a couple of hours?” Ryo tried to direct Maru’s train of thought anywhere other than what he was wearing.  
  
“You’re wearing a mayonnaise costume. Are you cosplaying Gintama?” Maru had clearly decided to fixate on the costumes anyway. “Woah! Who’s Ariel??? Is that Massu? Why do you guys get to dress up today, too?”  
  
“Maru, focus, please. Wait—what do you mean ‘too’?”  
  
“Sorry Ryo, but Inocchi was here about 10 minutes ago and—”  
  
“He asked to borrow your Monhan, right?”  
  
“Yeah. Hey Ryo, why was he dressed up at the Easter Bunny?” Maru leaned against the door frame as he ran his hands through his hair, causing the short ends to stick up in a disorderly manner.  
  
“I’ll tell you later, Maru, thanks though. Hey—is Tacchon still in town?”  
  
“Nah, he headed back to Osaka last night.”  
  
“Damn. Okay, hey- one more thing, you wouldn’t happen to have a dress and wig lying around?”  
  
Ryo made his way back to his group, bag in hand, to break the bad news about the video game. They were just going to have to hope that the Snowmen held out against the senpai onslaught and high-tail it over to Tokyo Tower.  
  
“Ryo, what’s the point of being in two groups if you can’t even get them to do favors for you?”  
  
“Bitch, bitch, bitch, Pi. I don’t see you coming up with any clothes for our resident transvestite-in-training.”  
  
“Love you too, Ryo-kun,” Kikuoka dryly added.  
  
“Wait—Maru has girl’s clothes?”  
  
“I opted for simple and just grabbed a couple items. And really,” Ryo continued, seeing the questions on Massu’s face “it’s best to just not ask.”  
  
“Ryo, I take back anything mean I’ve ever said about you up until now,” Shige said as he pulled out their checklist of things to do and crossed off the “drag” portion of their requirements.  
  
“But that still doesn’t solve the problem of how all six of us are going to get up Tokyo Tower with only 2000 yen,” Ryo added. They all took a minute to review the rules more carefully, suggesting different options of bargaining their way onto the monument.  
  
“No, wait guys, “Shige suddenly shouted out, “Re-read this. It says ‘A picture of the team _from_ the viewing deck.’ It doesn’t say anything about us needing to be _on_ the viewing deck, just that the photo needs to be taken from there.”  
  
“Shige, I take back everything _I_ ever said about law school being a waste of your time.” Ryo offered in return.  
Tegoshi flipped open a pocket transit guide for Tokyo.  
  
“Now, with seven of us, if we can find a way from here to Tokyo Tower for less than 168 yen each, we might actually be able to gain some time on those guys.”  
  
***  
  
They arrived at Tokyo Tower right around 8:45 and the crowds outside were minimal, much to their pleasure, with only four people waiting in line for admission.  
  
“Kikuoka-kun, do you think you can get up there and snap a picture of us?” Koyama asked as he handed over the camera phone and their remaining money to him.  
  
“I hope so, what’s the zoom like on this? Stick close together and when I get up there I’ll wave at you so you’ll know when I’m taking it and group up.” And at that he was off to join the brief line forming at the entryway.  
  
The six of them, however, shortly realized how conspicuous they were standing around for fifteen minutes while in costume and accompanied by a cameraman, as opposed to when they had been walking around or on the bus. They soon grouped themselves closer together in a circle in an attempt to keep the small crowd’s attention _off_ of their faces as they debated the fastest route from there to NTV.  
  
“Koyama, Shige, you’ve run this route before, right? What route did you guys take?” Massu asked, recalling their first assignments for _Soukon_. Koyama went over the route they had covered and after they agreed that it would work best for this situation as well they noticed Kikuoka up on the viewing deck waiting for them. Quickly huddling together they held their poses until he waved an all-clear and headed back down to meet them.  
  
“Did you get it?”  
  
“Can you tell it’s us?”  
  
“Yes, and yes,” Kikuoka confirmed, zooming in on the cell phone picture to show them the results. “You guys wouldn’t believe who I had to sneak by while I was up there, though.”  
  
“You’re joking.”  
  
“All of them?”  
  
“How did they even get up there? You were first in line!”  
  
“I’m not sure, but the lady who was taking their picture looked might have been one of the employees? It’s possible she let them all in early. She looked a lot like my grandmother and she kept gushing on about how cute Inohara-senpai was and how much she enjoyed his television shows.” The others could only stand there in shock for a moment while they processed all this.  
  
“They really _did_ just use their charm and good looks!” Koyama laughed out after a minute. “Hey—you didn’t happen to see any other kouhai with them, did you?”  
  
“Nope. It looks like they struck out there for now.”  
  
“Right, well, we have the picture, let’s get going because we only have about 18 minutes to get over to NTV and you,” Shige pointed at Kikuoka “still need to get changed.”  
  
Kikuoka nodded and grabbed the bag of clothes.  
  
“Right. I can change along the way.”  
  
***  
  
After only a couple minutes en route to the studios Koyama was startled by the ringing of their phone. Looking down at it he read the caller ID out loud to them.  
  
“It’s V6’s phone, what do you want to do?”  
  
“I’ll take it,” YamaPi offered, and flipped the phone open. “Hi, Sakamoto-san, what’s up? Nah, we’re doing great. We’re about half a block from the studio, actually. You guys?” He smoothly lied into the phone as they hurried down the street. “Sounds great, we’ll see you when you get there.”  
  
“That trick never works.” Massu hissed at him.  
  
“Doesn’t matter, we know for a fact we left before them, so unless they catch a bus or cab, we’re looking to come out on top for time. Either way though, let’s pick up the pace.”  
  
They all ran through the streets, pace increasing as they got closer and closer to the NTV building finally arriving out of breath and with just enough time for Kikuoka to pull the wig on and tug his pants off from under his dress, shoving them into the bag Maru had given them before V6 rounded the other corner and arrived. The official time was 9:28. Both teams had made it in the clear, and from the looks of things, the match had come out as a draw.  
  
“So what do we do now since it’s a tie?” Tegoshi asked the PAs as they checked in Maru’s PSP and the photos from each camera.  
  
“No it’s not,” Nagano smugly answered as he took off his racing helmet. “We won.”  
  
“No you didn’t. We each have two points. We both had the pictures, you had the PSP, and we were able to get a kouhai in drag, which you don’t have.”  
  
“Sure we do,” Sakamoto grinned causing Koyama’s stomach to knot with dread as he watched him toss his cape back over his shoulder and saunter to their side of the room, clamping his hand down on their mermaid’s shoulder. “We have Massu.”  
  
“Wha—that can’t count though! He’s on our team!!!” Ryo turned to the film crew for verification, only to be met with a shrug from the director.  
  
“The rules just say it has to be a kouhai. Masuda-san certainly counts as that,” he said as he and the crew finished packing up their equipment to carry into post-production. “Sorry, but V6 wins this round.” He continued over to the winning team, offering his congratulations before heading inside the building.  
  
NEWS stood there in silent disbelief for a moment or two, all of them unsure of how to process it all as they looked back and forth from one member to another.  
  
“I knew I should have just gone back to sleep,” Shige finally groaned out, shaking his head and half-smiling at the nonsense of it all. “But at least with the rate it’s going it looks like the six of us may have finally landed a regular show?”


End file.
